Reverse hummingbird feeder

Due to the deepening worldwide economic crisis, many friends-with-benefits will soon lose their benefits. Benefits they fought for years to enjoy.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You and Leo will go on an uncooked food diet, thrill to the exotic flavours of uncooked battered cod, uncooked bacon cheeseburgers, uncooked spaghetti with uncooked meat balls.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Uncook cookies. You’ll say to Cancer, “This uncooked food diet is the stupidest thing we’ve ever done.” Tonight the Moon will do something that makes it look totally fullish.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
You’re holistic in that you’re obsessed with holes. Skeptical Sagittarius asserts, “I want my eggs to be really expensive, and taste average.” In August you’ll say something that will greatly disturb your parrot, and everyone your parrot talks to.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Soufflé proves convulsant. You’ll find yourself in the middle of a race riot, assert “Hey, at least it isn’t a rape riot.” Tomorrow you’ll chain your naked body to a medieval torture rack in an ill-conceived anti-bondage protest.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Tonight, Taurus will stare at you with teary eyes and sob, “For God’s sake, Scorpio, listen to poetry critics. Because you don’t want to end up like me, finding out you just wasted six months reading shitty poetry.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You’d be depressed about being on an antidepressant if you weren’t on an antidepressant. Love interest inquires, “Yeah? What? Listen, is this important? ’Cause I’m getting married in a minute.” Next week you’ll be charged with wilful self-neglect.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
You only date Aquarius for the free water. World proves worldwide. Focus on airless vacuums, redundant redundancies, the spectacular suicide plunge of your Grand Mastiff off your 33rd floor balcony.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
If you buy a lap dance and they let you choose the song, choose “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Invert belly button. This is a good week to be surly and uncommunicative during brunch.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
This horoscope will be rendered illegible by a crust of dried semen on your screen.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Carkwarkanark! Apropos Aquarius asserts, “You’re nothing more than a reverse hummingbird feeder for cocks.” Cloud of superheated volcanic gases pyroclastically exploding toward you at terrifying speed isn’t urgent.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Friendship sails. Impoverished sketch comic implores, “Please don’t cut the pizza delivery sketch, that’s the only time I ever get to eat.” In Dungeons and Dragons circles you’re a notorious dungeon master baiter.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
The path to your destination winds through many, many brothels. Pretentious Pisces asserts, “Dear God no, our purebred Maltese only pisses on the finest grasses. No grubby dandelion patches for our dear Mister Snuggleford Trammelsworth III.” Disposal of spent toothpick proves emotional.

If Today is Your Birthday:
Don’t worry. Your coworkers will make it look like an accident.

Misdemeanor criminal sodomy

Which is the most cowardly Sun sign? In less than 72 hours, the world will have its answer.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
It would be wise to avoid conflict on Friday. On Saturday, however, it will be necessary to randomly pick fights.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A few minor searches and seizures shouldn’t disrupt your week. Capricorn with severe Vitamin-C allergy asserts, “When life gives you lemons, you asphyxiate and die.” Personal growth experience involves gristle, sea hags, misdemeanor criminal sodomy.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Today a real book will convince you that nothing is real. Capricorn with severe Vitamin-C allergy asserts, “And don’t even get me started on tangerines.” Tomorrow you’ll hear some life-changing insults.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Satan himself will spend ten whole minutes on your file today. Lucky you!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Like the mighty swan, you have lice. Shocked mother gapes at her teenaged son with fresh horror in her eyes, gasps, “You never meant to take out the garbage, did you?” Reconsider putty.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Teenaged son sneers defiantly at his horrified mother, asserts “You’re absolutely right, Mother, I never intended to take out the garbage. I merely led you to believe I’d take out the garbage to win your support in my campaign against Father. And now that Father has been vanquished forever, I have no further need for this pitiful charade.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
“That’s despicable!” Mother hisses. Son replies, “Despicable it may be, Mother, but the simple fact remains that I will never again take out the garbage, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Bwa ha!” Radioactive peas prove luminous, leguminous.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Control freak loses control of control freak-show, loses control, freaks. Scorpio asserts, “Please let me assure you that my interest in garden hoses is extremely unhealthy.” Next week you’ll go over Niagara Falls in a tutu.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Cruise control freak loses control of cruise control, loses control, freaks. Therapist counsels, “You won’t begin to get better until you admit that you are, in fact, a piece of shit.” Dildo torture proves unpleasant.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
We all know how it is when love fades, and becomes mere friendship, which becomes mere Facebook friendship, which becomes going to quietly de-friend your ex and discovering that your ex has already de-friended you…

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Sometimes you feel like a caged silverback gorilla being taunted by a rock-throwing little shit of a six-year-old boy. Winsome beauty loses some. Mercury in Pisces means supermarkets will tend not to stock the specific items you are looking for.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Sometimes you feel like a caged silverback being taunted by a rock-throwing little shit of a seven-year-old boy. You’ll get a job carrying “things” around a “place”. Tonight’s blind date will suss and run.