Massachusetts hold ’em

Sweet Christ, it’s 09/09/09—what does this mean? Fuck all, actually. Tyrants and despots take note: The Sun in Virgo with Neptune in the ascendant makes this a great week for facetious executions.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Tomorrow will be your day to be outshone. Capricorn asserts, “That was the most facetious execution I’ve witnessed.” Three Wednesdays after the next full moon, you’ll Botox your scrotum.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
You know your sex is a bad joke because every time you orgasm your lover groans, “Too soon! Too soon!”

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Your wedding vows will be hilarious in retrospect. Thai in Thailand asserts, “Thai again? We just had Thai for lunch.” Next year you’ll die of AIDS-related flesh-eating disease.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Displeasurably pallid and lumpy abdomen proves to be yours. Italian in Italy asserts, “Italian three nights in a row? Mamma mia!” Trusted newsreader renews vows, re-vows news.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Today will feel more like January 17, 2003 than you’d care to admit. Cannibal asserts, “Human again? What, is there something wrong with the freezer?” Failed driver’s test involves street full of fleeing people, 237-inch yellowfin tuna weighing 404 pounds, frankfurter stand.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
During dessert you’ll overhear sullen Scorpio snarl, “I expected a blind date, not a fucking amputee.” Right in front of the amputee in question, who’ll shout, “Hey, do you think I’m fucking deaf?” And then they’ll fight and it’ll be awful.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Super-rich Sagittarius barks, “Have your people blow my people.” Focus on Texas hold ’em, New Mexico hold ’em, Massachusetts hold ’em. Tonight you’ll power-trip, power-fall down power-staircase.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Remorseless pummeling of your face represents an opinion, not a fact. Urinating leprechaun is a wee, wee man. Focus on Russian roulette, Russian backgammon, Russian serial adultery.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Roughly translated, the ancient Druid slang for your current situation is “mountain goat shitting as a rock is thrown.” Try to skip Thursday. Focus on French ticklers, German fisters, easy cultural stereotypes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Tonight you’ll be successfully separated from your conjoined Gemini twin, after which God will angrily re-conjoin you and stomp back up to Heaven muttering something about foolish humans meddling with His divine plan.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You’ll cruelly psych yourself out before tonight’s admittedly long-shot seduction attempt. Ubetter Upgrade Umbrella(s). Spelling bee final is win-or-loose.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Conjunct of Mercury and Uranus can’t be good for you. Umbrage involves Umbrella, Ümläüt(s). Venus in Aries makes this an excellent time to wonder how thick an all-Earth telephone book would be.

If Today is Your Birthday:
Over the years, dozens of domestic animals have made unsolicited sexual overtures toward you. But tonight, for the first time, you’ll accept.

Thought of the Week: Nothing is more corrosive to the human soul than the belief that one must have an erection to masturbate. Nothing.