Misdemeanor criminal sodomy

Which is the most cowardly Sun sign? In less than 72 hours, the world will have its answer.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
It would be wise to avoid conflict on Friday. On Saturday, however, it will be necessary to randomly pick fights.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A few minor searches and seizures shouldn’t disrupt your week. Capricorn with severe Vitamin-C allergy asserts, “When life gives you lemons, you asphyxiate and die.” Personal growth experience involves gristle, sea hags, misdemeanor criminal sodomy.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Today a real book will convince you that nothing is real. Capricorn with severe Vitamin-C allergy asserts, “And don’t even get me started on tangerines.” Tomorrow you’ll hear some life-changing insults.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Satan himself will spend ten whole minutes on your file today. Lucky you!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Like the mighty swan, you have lice. Shocked mother gapes at her teenaged son with fresh horror in her eyes, gasps, “You never meant to take out the garbage, did you?” Reconsider putty.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Teenaged son sneers defiantly at his horrified mother, asserts “You’re absolutely right, Mother, I never intended to take out the garbage. I merely led you to believe I’d take out the garbage to win your support in my campaign against Father. And now that Father has been vanquished forever, I have no further need for this pitiful charade.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
“That’s despicable!” Mother hisses. Son replies, “Despicable it may be, Mother, but the simple fact remains that I will never again take out the garbage, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Bwa ha!” Radioactive peas prove luminous, leguminous.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Control freak loses control of control freak-show, loses control, freaks. Scorpio asserts, “Please let me assure you that my interest in garden hoses is extremely unhealthy.” Next week you’ll go over Niagara Falls in a tutu.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Cruise control freak loses control of cruise control, loses control, freaks. Therapist counsels, “You won’t begin to get better until you admit that you are, in fact, a piece of shit.” Dildo torture proves unpleasant.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
We all know how it is when love fades, and becomes mere friendship, which becomes mere Facebook friendship, which becomes going to quietly de-friend your ex and discovering that your ex has already de-friended you…

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Sometimes you feel like a caged silverback gorilla being taunted by a rock-throwing little shit of a six-year-old boy. Winsome beauty loses some. Mercury in Pisces means supermarkets will tend not to stock the specific items you are looking for.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Sometimes you feel like a caged silverback being taunted by a rock-throwing little shit of a seven-year-old boy. You’ll get a job carrying “things” around a “place”. Tonight’s blind date will suss and run.