The snake did its job

Mercury in Gemini means the meanness of mean people will be even meaner than usual.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You can’t remember the last time you had sex. It was last night, you know that much.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You are notorious for your tendency to wear a fake beard on a first date. Villainous Virgo asserts, “It doesn’t matter who smuggled the venomous adder into Gemini’s birthday party. All that matters is the snake did its job.” Tonight you’ll sell your lover for $8.28.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Push those who disrupt your balance off this flat Earth. Libertarian Libra asserts, “Next thing you know we won’t be allowed to wear fake beards any more—no, they’ll be ‘too suspicious’.” Focus on flavoured malaise, insane Swedes, designated pet smoking areas.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Sometimes the best heists in life aren’t planned. Leo laments, “Hitler killed the Hitler moustache.” You’ll sleep yourself to the bottom in children’s television.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Listen, I don’t know too much about cars, and I may be out of line saying this, but there’s just no dignity in a Volkswagen Golf Mk2.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
All your life you’ve had a little devil sitting on your shoulder telling you not to brush your teeth. Taurus asserts, “No, that’s not what bananas are for. But good guess.” You’ll form a new R&B group, call it Shitz II Gigglz.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Saturn in Virgo proves irrelevant. Pisces marketer cautions, “If you use ‘Shitz,’ Wal-Mart won’t touch you. How about Schlitz II Gigglz?” The dynamiting of your bungalow will be a spectacle for which you won’t need spectacles.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Fetishize malamutes. Scorpio reluctantly concedes, “Alright, but only because the surname of everyone in the group is, in an incredible coincidence, Schlitz.” Sadistic top-master accountant whispers luridly of withholding tax, withholding sex.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Saturday night you’ll meet a man so cold, two men will have to piss on you to get your tongue unstuck from his dick.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You always get the “wannabe actor who never gets any roles” roles. Abs abtrophy. Over the next month you’ll receive an immense amount of junk mail advertising products you can’t afford.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Lack of ‘X-factor’ makes you an ex-actor. A new friend at work plans to spectacularly stab you in the back at some point in the distant future. Try to take the loss of your legs in stride.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You’re still not sure if you can commit to just one medication for the long haul. D-list B-movie ex-actor finds F-bomb in his Gmail email. Uranus and Neptune conjoin, vow never to conjoin again.

If Today Is Your Birthday:
You’ll write an exposé about the undergarments of transsexuals. You’ll call it May Contain Nuts.