Noses ‘n’ twats

This week’s horoscope is brought to you by advertising. Ask your shrink if advertising is right for you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Every gazebo shall someday collapse. Agrarian Aquarius asserts, “I don’t normally allow my cows to get their teats pierced, but Bessy here’s my best milker so I let it go.” Syphilitic fetus proves ill-conceived.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Revolving credit agreement nauseates. Cattle-envying Capricorn comments, “Oh, to be a cow and give birth at the age of two.” Moon in your sign signals a general absence of high-quality items.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
I know this contradicts your strongest instincts, but for now you must keep a low profile and blend in. Sh, quiet my fiery pet. The time shall soon come when every one of those fools will know who you are.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Rhinoplastic surgeon knows better. Gemini snaps, “Hey, the sign says ‘no dragons,’ pal.” Tonight you’ll hear the word ‘spatula’ one time too many, and quit improv comedy forever.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Catastrophic cunnilingual collision involves nose dive. Pisces pundit opines, “It’s sad what rhinoceroses are doing to their noses these days.” Long-distance lover can’t come close.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Catastrophic cunnilingual collision requires rhinovaginoplasty. Leo asserts, “There are security cameras in this elevator so it is vital that we make out.” Insane in the mid-brain, yo.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Catastrophic cunnilingual collision cunt befaced. You’ll Englishly assert, “Oi mate, rhinovaginoplasty is noses ‘n’ twats compared to platypussyplasty, rabbitoclitoplasty, or hipponipploplasty.” You’ll meet your doppelganger, realize you’re the evil one.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
For the love of God, don’t say ‘coochie-coo’ to your baby tonight. Sagittarius elaborates, “Actually, noses ‘n’ twats is a common expression in my part of England.” Consider macaqocockoplasty, bassoassoplasty, coyotoscrotoplasty.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Great-aunt isn’t either. Editor asserts, “Although I was intrigued by your blow job, unfortunately your relationship proposal doesn’t fit my needs at this time.” Astrological reassignment surgery involves LeoVirgoplasty, ScorpoLeoplasty, VirgoScorpoplasty.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
When you enter a room, everyone respectfully doffs their condoms. Longtime friendship morphs into soul-crushing codependency, great sex. You’ll take the bus, refuse to give it back.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Tonight you’ll take a job as a spermicidal diaphragm model, even though you swore you were through with the cervix industry.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Tide brings bad tidings. You’ll say to your astrologer, “How about I pay you a percentage of the money I win using your winning lottery numbers?” Focus on security guardian angels, control panel station wagons, spermicidal maniacs.

If Today Is Your Birthday:
You may be wealthy, enlightened, and influential. You may have spent your life righting great wrongs, fighting for justice, and liberating the oppressed. But you won’t know what it truly means to make a difference until you’ve worked at a hot dog stand.