Behold my paunch

Last night Mars and Venus threw a huge interplanetary shit-fit, hurled meteoroids at each other and ultimately resolved nothing. And now there are that many more enormous chunks of loose rock drifting around the solar system that could annihilate all life on Earth. Thanks, sky gods.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Everyone wants you to fail. I say give the people what they want.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You drive an economy car in the hopes of someday being crushed by a Hummer. Villainous Virgo asserts, “Ha! They’ll be no match for our whores.” You’ll get a sex change, be dismissed.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Where others co-found, you confound. Villainous Virgo asserts, “And you call yourself a sex-killer. Ha!” Initially disorganized circle jerk really comes together at the end.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Inner journey hits inner dead end. Villainous Virgo asserts, “Ha! A true pool master always knows which balls just clicked in an adjoining room.” Next spring you’ll successfully bid to be the architect of your own demise.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
“Everyone’s an asshole when you think about it,” asserts the president of the Everyone’s An Asshole When You Think About It Foundation, a privately-funded ‘everyone’s an asshole when you think about it’ think tank.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Your partner will be disturbed when you murmur the following sleep-talk: “How could I ever choose? You all have amazing pussies.” Fear knot. Eighty-something Aries wistfully remembers the days when there were ‘white’ and ‘colored’ glory holes.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Yours is a present with no presents. Megalomaniacal accountant murmurs, “We could adjust our margins to better compete with our adversaries in every market—but at what cost?” You’ll be imprisoned in a foreign country, given only this horoscope to read.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
‘Life on the edge’ proves surprisingly un-edgy. Beeping noise asserts, “Let’s back up a bit.” Tonight you’ll repulse a potential lover when you mix up the spellings of ‘lose’ and ‘loose’ in an email.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Life as a tax accountant proves splendid. Yes, splendid. I know. I know. I’m as surprised as you are.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Christ, no—that’s an anteater! You’ll put an inhabited conch shell up to your ear, assert, “Ouch.” Thursday night you may find yourself strangling a future love interest.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Keywords for today: “essence of mediocrity.” During argument with well, you’ll say, “Well, that’s obvious.” Tonight you may find an intuitive finger in a body cavity.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You have no words to describe the bittersweet earthiness of a carrot. Chubby yet strict patriarch barks, “Family! Behold my paunch.” Tomorrow morning your photosensitive penis will come to light.

If Today Is Your Birthday:
When you look at yourself having sex in the mirror, you’re always struck by how normal you look. On the outside.