State of flabbergastedness

This week the planet Earth will piss off the rest of the solar system like it never has before. And that’s sad.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Yes, you woke up in a straitjacket this morning—but at least you were put in it for a damn good reason.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Use the word “flabbergasted” more often. Planetary vibrations make your fridge rattle annoyingly. Tonight you’ll be split open—in a good way.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
You don’t have the balls to have children. Aquarius asserts, “The Astrologer is right, Libra, you spend much more time flabbergasted than you admit to.” Things you missed out on this summer include sun and beaches and fun and awesomeness.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
MSG! Scorpio psychologist states, “I’ve never seen anything like it. Libra is flabbergasted 100 per cent of the time. Even when she’s unconscious, scans indicate that her brain remains in a state of flabbergastedness through all stages of the sleep cycle.” Checkers!

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Your method of picking your nose proves uniquely British. Pisces presenter intones, “Imagine being flabbergasted every moment of every day. That’s exactly how life is for sufferers of hyperflabbergastosis. Please give.” Heads roll at work, ruin the carpet.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Your sibling’s fist so comfortable—it knocks you right out.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Your total lack of faith in yourself inspires others. Alien anthropologist asserts, “Note how, by taking her dog to a pet psychiatrist, the trophy wife indicates her need to see a people psychiatrist.” Tomorrow you’ll pre-order a watch, end up on a watch list.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Dog Walker asserts, “The name’s Dog. Dog Walker.” Alien anthropologist observes, “By the fires of Betelgeuse, the contempt Scorpios have for Virgos on this planet can be awesome to behold.” You’ll grope an underage hockey player, get minor penalty.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Believe all disparaging remarks made about you today. Alien anthropologist asserts, “The name’s Zabdar. Zabdar Excelsior.” Alignment of Venus and Saturn has you buying pies like a madman—and we all know how a madman buys pies, don’t we?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Jupiter in your sign makes this a great week to put a gun in your mouth, but not such a great week to pull the trigger.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Butane in the membrane, yo. Forced-labor camp bunkmate asserts, “I think we need to re-think our lifestyle. I mean, are we living to work, or working to live?” You’ll go on a craigslist date, meet a BBW (Big Bipolar Woman).

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Presence of dog precludes doggone-goodness. You’ll say to forced-labor camp bunkmate, “I’m pretty sure we’re working to live.” The big toe on your left foot will really hurt this week, especially after Friday’s epic stubbing.

If Today is Your Birthday:
April 21-28, 2016 will be the shittiest April 21-28 of your life. By far.